this is my home ...

This is my home
I don't sit on the chairs anymore
Derelicts of sadness stuffed with the acid of failed relationships


The wooden floor is now my bed
 The queen sized paradise of peace in the bedroom still holds the chalk marks of my murdered spirit
It still holds that scent of blood that drips of the razors edge of my curiosity that revealed the truth in every empty promise every suitor has ever told

This floor that holds foot prints
A maze of lies ...sweet lies ...a satisfying emptiness
 I see toe prints that still hide the finger prints of my heart in their bosom
I see these footprints , those on their way in bumping into the ones on their way out

This is my home
I don't invite friends or family
And those that tried to be a friend to me hung rusty crystal chandeliers in the ceiling of friendship
 each crystal falls like a shooting star
Lunging at the soul of my emptiness
But the emptiness is refracted and reflected
And vanishes in pursuit of happiness

The darkness shines so brightly that the footprints on the floor glow

Dishes unwashed
No detergent seems strong enough
Foaming screams and tears weren't adequate enough to remove the stains of kisses framed on the edges of wine glasses
Or our scent that tainted the inner walls of those bowls we ate fruits from

The dust blows freely
Unloading their dirt from the cobweb of baskets cuz spiders are too busy fornicating
The dust blows
The dust swings from the red vines in my eyes until the rain saturates the palm trees

I want to move but all I've ever know is this wooden house
With its cracks and termites
With its warm wood with a heart that's half green and half purple but no one knows that the inner walls of where I live are painted in black

I want to move but all I've ever known is this wooden house that smells of me and my memories of sex , ended relationships , flings , whips and broken dreams , this wooden floor polished by the frustration and the lingering unanswered questions

This house knows me and I know it
I own it
even in the face of its deficiencies I stay faithful

I have dreams of living concrete
But my soul isn't that hard yet
My soul still provides for my exes like termites to eat itty biddy bits of me

I want to move on from this relationship , but all I've ever known was pain...this pain ...this sweet pain ..this satisfying pain

I don't know this so called house of love these ghosts of yesteryear speak of

This is my home
Not suitable for guests
Moulded by tears unseen and untasted by the compassion of familiar faces
this is the place I call the inner me

I am scared

I am scared
I write this not for sympathy, love or to be understood
 I write this for me
For I am scared
I hope that at the end of this I can transfer the blood of these
fears into the veins of the strokes formed on the pages with this pen
…
I hope, that the pen is not my end
 I hope that as I release these fears , im not left like a soft tissue
blowing into the garden of smiling thorns and nails
I am scared
I am not afraid of love but I am afraid of losing it
It takes a lot of strength to say this
The hair of these golden tears are so long I can plait them into
beautiful night mares
The sturdy bricks of these doubts , can build me a titanic until I
sail on the sea of what if you don’t like me and hit the ice burg of
your getting tired of me and I spilt , in two , sinking into the sea
of fears half alive , screaming at the decayed confidence that mourns
with me on the sea floor…. Not forgetting the sediments of happiness
that try to engulf my memories before I can even run to protect them
And even though I am scared
I am ready to say I love you
I need you
 I want you
But its hard for you to hear me when my fears have my volume on mute
I am scared
I devour you and I devour me
Ive got these demons in me that only act when you are near …
Cuz you exorcise me …
And they know your power is as purifying by just the flicker of your stare ..
My demons are scared …
But I don’t want to be baptized in you and backslide into fears ..
And I wonder
Will you be forgiving then
Will you be patient
will you mould me into fold mountains when the tectonic plates of my
anger shift
will you tumble me into a hurricane of calm when my fears have
scattered onto rich soils of suspicion
will you say yes If I propose
and love me even when I oppose and refuse to disclose why im scared …
I am scared .. because I am afraid to lose you and I fear that In that
moment when my eyes are wet with satisfication and devotion when im
kissing you , my confidence will whisper …I don’t deserve to have you

I love you

I love you ...
Like lungs love air
Like tongues love taste
- your taste
The taste of a sunshine slurpie
Or moon wine
The cocktail of seasons blended , whipped and dripped into the slits of my fears ...

I love you ...
Like couples love kissing , hugging , making love and ofcourse fucking
Like words love stroking their tongues on poets ...especially those places that are wet and warm , wet and warm , wet and warm until poets speak spasm and sigh phrases , one words and run on sentences ... that make no sense ... Cuz when you are in love .. Logic is a simply cliche

I love you
Like choking on icecream whilst being eatin
Like ropes love wrists
Like whips were born etch the screams from whence they came on moaning backs

I love you
Like kids day dream about their dreams on the stage of their reality
Like balloons yearn to burst and release the pent up frustrations
Like icecream melts at the mere sight of a spoon

I love you
Memories of you grow like hairs out of my folicles , that's why when I touch my hair ... I feel you ...
Pardon my exterior if it seems abit abnormal its just that my skeleton has been forced to grow extra bones , bones craved and fashioned out of my favourite moments with you

I love you

Beautiful Stranger

Sometimes I wonder
What did you do for a living
Were you a doctor?
Lawyer?
Or magician ? Cuz the greatest trick you"ve ever performed was making me believe that you didn't exist

I skipped many verses in this poem cuz there is hardly anything I can say about what I miss , hate , or love about you cuz your absence was the honey that intoxicated my numbness
Hence when you're near I can never feel your presence much less recognize you
Instead ... I wonder
Who is this stranger ?
And I'm not fond of strangers
I'm fond of you like books are fond of being forgotten
I'm fond of you like wives revel in the thought of being number two
I'm fond of you like throats think of swallowing 50 inch nails
Like chalk loves to be the author of boredom

I've never met you
I've only seen the skin in which you live
And I can't remember what that feels like
I can't remember what you look like
Yet I'm reminded that you really do exist everything I comb my hair or notice my sideburns
I am reminded of how your faint invisible kisses remain so visible .

20 years and I still don't know you
nothing is happy about today my dear sweet loving mother ...
Though not knowing you is probably a hybrid gift , some messed up half blessing half curse kind of wonderful...yet I still love that which I do not know



I don't know you

 But I implore , remain where you are ...


I love all the mystery that abounds in the graveyard in which I've buried all of you
What ever all of you is or was

As I sit braced against your tombstone
Crying this blood you cannot see although it drips like lethal acidic kisses on your soul

I just want you to know
Your role will always be remembered ...
Yet I will always love that which I do not know...

Discovery

I find that in my hate .. I can still love you
You leek droplets of frustration from the porous ceiling pipes of mistrust
Into the rusty bucket of my patience

Patience is now a patient
Tattered and torn
Broken , sore , cold

I find that sometimes profanity slingshots its way out of my mouth
But luckily wisdom exemplifies outstanding fielding and catch these bullets before they kill you

I find that you are weak and I am strong
And I'm nothing but weakness
And you are nothing but weakness
And we plough the lands of barren conversations
Hence none are ever fruitful

I find that we are both shackled
You are shackled to insecurities, misjudgments , a mind that transcribes verses on your tongue without the benefit of intellect
But if I interject ... I find my self also shackled to my ego of trying to force you to understand that your misguided perceptions conceived by an abstract thought fertilized by a surreal expectation of me birthed nothing but convenient truths and fantasies ... I wish you would use contraception before you birth these thoughts or at least listen to me so that I can avoid the gruesome abortion of your happiness

I find that you make me your world
Caring for me has become the axis
And you have me rotating around the sun of control
Whilst you penetrate the ozone layer of my mind with your carbon thoughts
Caring whilst consuming
Teaching whilst you are toxic


I find that you claim to be my friend but they say a dog that brings a bone carries one
And you carries lantin posts , the amazons , cities , states , hell .. You even carried the fossils of my past

I find that your betrayal thought me to respect you
You fondled my trust so sweetly she spread her legs the first night submitting to you her virginity
Then you told your friends of sweet her secrets tasted
I find that I trust to easily
Leaving myself bankrupt cuz I give my secrets on credit


I find that even the unforgettable will soon be forgotten
For the hardest thing to do sometimes
Is to find yourself
Sometimes the hardest thing to do , is simply doing what makes you happy

Sometimes I find , that the hardest thing to do is is to be honest and happy simultaneously...

Your Taste

You drip down my hands like a melting "you and me"

You built your palace in every strand of my iris -you own me
You taste like chocolate covered drops of home-my honey comb

You comb my eye lashes with your kisses-oh how your taste is a maple syrup to my heart shaped pan cake memories

Rolling in the sheets of your scent

Its taste blends me into a mystical pulp- I taste your pulse

You whip me in your stare
With your stare

Like pores relish the wine- your natural oils

My blood boils
Veins curl
Moans coil into circles of committment
Your taste
Simmers me
Fills me
Kills me
Mends me
Breaks me

Emotions parachute onto uneven terrains of ecstasy

Your taste distills my doubt , turning them into a crystallized sigh of happiness

Your taste makes my fear skydive for Intoxicated by you they are fearless

Your taste sautes me in the heat of my silenced words
Your taste will forever be my most epic line of poetry unwritten and unheard

I want to live in colour

You inspire me to wear colour
I’ve always been attracted to the musical tones of grays
The corsets of pain worn on my veins
But you Ignited fireworks in my tonsils – I yearn to speak in colour

In my eyes, you released yellow and orange rays –a sunny explosion
I’ve always been painted in pain
But you make me feel like a resurrection, a resolution
You are not just different but you are the molecules of my essence

You are the sequins on my smile
You inspire me …to live in color
I’ve always seen through a telescope of fears, images of brides in a shiny white of pain far and wide
But you kissed my eyes, my iris reconstructed
Now a kaleidoscope of twisting shapes of us in colour

I’ve always been living the fears..
But you caress me even when you aren’t here … you paint me …with your care that roars over mountains and seas
These verses will not be perfect
To my emancipated emotions, words become the nemesis

Emotions blown through trumpet thoughts
Emotions stringed tightly on violins
Emotions carved into drums ….
 He is the conductor to this orchestra

My words are innocent kids that are unable to comprehend the splendor before them
My words will never be able to sail on the hurricane waves in my veins
My words will never be able to quench my thirst to speak,
 To scream, to translate the way he brings me to ecstasy with ease,

I am captivated ….
I want to live in colour …
I want dreams with colour …
I want my breath to be coloured with the hue of his skin
I want him ….
 I want colour …
I want him … and no other …..