I am scared

I am scared
I write this not for sympathy, love or to be understood
 I write this for me
For I am scared
I hope that at the end of this I can transfer the blood of these
fears into the veins of the strokes formed on the pages with this pen
…
I hope, that the pen is not my end
 I hope that as I release these fears , im not left like a soft tissue
blowing into the garden of smiling thorns and nails
I am scared
I am not afraid of love but I am afraid of losing it
It takes a lot of strength to say this
The hair of these golden tears are so long I can plait them into
beautiful night mares
The sturdy bricks of these doubts , can build me a titanic until I
sail on the sea of what if you don’t like me and hit the ice burg of
your getting tired of me and I spilt , in two , sinking into the sea
of fears half alive , screaming at the decayed confidence that mourns
with me on the sea floor…. Not forgetting the sediments of happiness
that try to engulf my memories before I can even run to protect them
And even though I am scared
I am ready to say I love you
I need you
 I want you
But its hard for you to hear me when my fears have my volume on mute
I am scared
I devour you and I devour me
Ive got these demons in me that only act when you are near …
Cuz you exorcise me …
And they know your power is as purifying by just the flicker of your stare ..
My demons are scared …
But I don’t want to be baptized in you and backslide into fears ..
And I wonder
Will you be forgiving then
Will you be patient
will you mould me into fold mountains when the tectonic plates of my
anger shift
will you tumble me into a hurricane of calm when my fears have
scattered onto rich soils of suspicion
will you say yes If I propose
and love me even when I oppose and refuse to disclose why im scared …
I am scared .. because I am afraid to lose you and I fear that In that
moment when my eyes are wet with satisfication and devotion when im
kissing you , my confidence will whisper …I don’t deserve to have you