Yearning...

Many times I've knelt before you
Said the usual
And I HATE how monotonous I sound

- lord protect me from all harm and danger
-forgive me for I have sinned

I'm tired of this

I want to do the unthinkable
Today I question you
And I demand that you talk to me
I'm tired of waiting on answers

I'm tired of everyone saying god is always with you
He is your subconscious ...your conscience
Where exactly are you god ?
Answer me !
Cuz some things I just need to figure out


I would hate to think that you exist in my conscience just yesterday my conscience told me to fornicate and 3 weeks back it told me to help the unfortunate

Are you really with me ?
Cuz I know for certain that the devil visits constantly

Am I really this temple ?
Cuz the devil sits at the alter of my tears and laughs at me

Are you really in the heavens god ?
Cuz I had the best sex ever with the devil and to a paradise above the earth he took me
And I manoeuvered the moon and stars between my fingers

Is my conscience an empty cave ?
Where your voice and the devil's linger ?
Cuz in my cave , in my soul I hear the songs of the angelic choirs and the demonic entertainers
And I've made a habit of listening to both
Hence some days I'm bad and others I'm good

You need to intervene
Tell me where to go

 they say I can find the answers in your book
But science taught me that the word was written by man
And man's mind Is impressionable
And I wonder god why didn't you write this book ?
I wonder god , did these men write as they were told ?

Or did they write as they felt your word in the cave of their soul
And I wonder , was the devil there too ?
Was the devil talking to them as he does to me ?
Is this a fair comparison ?

How do I trust what I read ?
When many christians worship the same God yet they struggle to follow the right interpretation of your word that was written by a fellow man

I need answers god !

How do I trust the ones you appointed as authorities of your word , and these so called believers pass judgement on other followers and behind closed doors the dance with the devil ...
The many fathers far and wide that trouble little boys and girls - manifestations of the devil

And I wonder god , didn't you see this coming before you appointed them ?

So many versions of your truth seem to be true
Tell me which denomination should I follow
In which direction of this wonderland do I go !
Cuz last sunday I was at this church and later a brother shows up at my door with a watch tower
Saying " Do you know the truth about God's word ?"

Isn't this what the devil does ?
Throws the dice of perceptions on the table of your mind , numbers dictating the steps you must take
And you pray the wrong path you didn't take only to backslide further that the last time


Tell me god !
I need answers !
What goes on in your head when you see these back sliders ?
These people that claim they love you
Honour you
Yet they flirt , wine and dine with the devil
 Yet they preach to me - you can't serve two masters at once

What if I CAN'T tell the difference ?
And What if I can ? But I'm simply being human
Following the pattern to which I was born - imperfection

Tears no longer maul my cheeks
Instead I'm crying questions

I know not where I exist
My knowledge and material assets all fade
When the heart aches
And when it aches I call your name
Just like those who only remember you when in pain
And I wonder when this pain eases
Who really did answer my prayers
After all I do remember like 3 minutes ago I was thinking about fornicating
Mentally disobeying your commandment - naturally
So how do I now expect you to free me from that which I brought upon myself

The most broken relationship I have is with you
You are like that boyfriend I can never leave
My first true love
You didn't take my virginity on any level but rather
Protected it
You are the husband that cares about my soul , my heart unconditionally
My hips, breasts, ass or thighs are never your concern

You are the husband that forgives me regardless of how many times I cheat with the devil
And I still cheat ...
And you still wait for me ...
And I fear what will happen if I don't return to you
And I fear returning to you and yearning the devil still

I seek not an arranged marriage with you
Many come to me saying
" GOD is your best suitor "
But god u and I both know
That I cannot marry all of me to someone I hardly know
Hence I'm torn
So.....
Talk to me

I have become this vessel that feels nothing but the erotic wonders of all that is impure or so I thought..
Cuz in the distant sometimes I hear a pure voice
And I question ... Is it u ?
Or a mere illusion

I'm spiritually ill
And time is against us
Talk to me quickly !
Not through a book
Not through another human , or my conscience or subconscious cuz we both know those places aren't safe anymore

If you must ......
peel like thunder
And speak to me through an opening in the sky
As mufasa did to simba ...

Forgive me if I've stepped out of line
But I'm sure you knew I was going to write this

I need answers !
Talk to me !
I am a lamb lost among the wolves
My ignorance devours me
And into a wolf - slowly I turn

Talk to me god
Talk to me
Before this final part of me gets lost ......

Parent Plant

Standing like the most crippling part of me
Are my emotions
Whatever is left of my being is that which I use
To speak to you

Standing like the most ailing part of me
Are my pleas
Whatever is left of my concern is that which I use
To speak to your conscience

I stood here many times before
but you never saw me !

I cried here many times before
But you never soothed me !

Every breath I take to speak to you about this issue I am dying

Parent plant ....I need you

I need you to let go of the ivy that you nurture with your love !

Parent plant can't you see its killing me
Parent plant can't you see you are killing me

I watch this stigma drain your wisdom
I watch this stigma .."lynching" your strength
Exhausting your sensibilities
Injecting you with the prongs of her rotten plights of innocence

And I your young
Your budding tulip
Must watch you die

I beg of thee
Let me sacrifice my petals to the gods
Let me sacrifice my innocence to the dogs
Let me sacrifice my purity in exchange for your elixir - tranquillity
For in your last years to nurture me it is that which you well deserve




Instead
You clip the wings of my appeal
I am now a one winged bird that falls through the sky of your hearing
Only to crash into the flames of my tears and frustrations

Instead
You place my cries on the cracking vertebrae of your attention
Spilling the bitter juices of your disinterest into my mouth
Black lips ....I am now the withering flower

Parent plant ....
You are the foundation of my history
Played the mother role to perfection
Yet you leave me to search the soils of my heart for diamond like reasons in order to barter
30,000 diamonds for 30 seconds of your attention
An unfair rate of exchange that will never be worthy enough

Parent plant ..
I am on the trashing floor of your heart
Beating the drums of my lungs
Lighting my strength a fire
Fuelling it with the oak trees of my cries

Parent plant ....
I see that two must die
But rather me and not you
Let not the poison ivy take thee away from me
For this world I am not ready

You are the shakespeare to my history
The calligraphy of my first steps
The fierceness I'm my honey like tone
The growls in my confident "No's"

I fear the reflections of your lessons
You bow to the light in order to make food for the ivy in the darkness
You grow tertiary roots to absorb more than you can sythasize only to feed the witch that stirs her pot merrily as she brews your poison

Parent plant this isn't love
Its called foolish sacrifice
But let me foolishly sacrifice my petals
Let me foolishly sacrifice my innocence
Let me foolishly sacrifice my breath

For your peace of mind is well deserved
Let me make a sacrifice in the name love
So that you may have a few more days to sacrifice foolishly in the name of sacrificial love ...

Dead Soul

The love which you so deserve I cannot give to you my sweet

You are a Mediterranean of lavender love ,fox glove hugs , and morning glory french kisses
I am not worthy of your love
And probably being next to you would have charmed the heart I once had

Like a cup of warm chocolate milk your love I'm sure would have melted away the sadness or my tears during sorrow's eve
If only I could ... Feel again

My soul is now a barren place
Rich with turmoil
I only burn your roots...my sweet


What's a flower with out the sun
What's a bed without a pillow to hug
What's writer without his parchment and pen
This I know

But for your well being
For that which you deserve
Help me to leave you
You must
One's absence cannot burn more than the sting of love not returned ....and in these words you must trust


I have become the beauty of your dream garden
I have become the mystery in love' s potion
But what you see my sweet is a ghost
I implore you ....
Nothing good can be had from this
I ask to leave
Please whisper not again that you care not if I love you but only to love me

 my darling
I beg of you
Please ..
Go..
For love cannot be found with a dead soul

Discipline

Here I am
Bending over this table
Wild imagination ignites Expectations
To feel his index finger tracing from my ankle to my lotus flower

He exclaims
"Have you lied to me for the week ?"
Eyes brows now contorted in confusion
Face enveloped by fear of a birthing Abuser
I begin to answer and he shouts
"Silence !"

He traces a knife from the back of my collar to the waist of my skirt slowly
As my skin tastes the coldness eminating from the metal
He moves his hands gently careSsing my bottom
Moving teasingly upward to the incision he made in the back of my shirt
Slips his warm fingers into the cut and rips it open
Roughly ....fast .....aggressively
He stretches over me
Lips nestled in the centre of my ear
He stretches his warm , wet , tongue
Licking the contours of my hearing
Nibbling .... Kissing ...blowing gently into the key hole of my soul
He braces off in brute manner
With the knife in hand traces the knife against my skirt
And the cloth begins to shiver
As he slithers ...the commanding instrument along the back of my thighs
And removes the feeling
Allowing the absence to gnaw at my mind
As he undresses my submission
He places a document infront of
Commands me to read ..eloquently
Respecting all punctuations

And at the sound of the word begin
I read shakespeare's sonnet 18

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:"

SLAP !!!
My flow was broken in mid stride
By the harsh slap of his hand used as a paddle against my ass
I cringed
exhaled in a sensual satisfaction
His erectness bracing firmly against the stinging sensation
He yanks me by the hair
Pulls me closer
And whispers " obey the fuckin punctuations "
And slowly for three seconds sucks gently on my neck

Drenched in my own dew
I become instantly thrilled
By this unusual form of punishment

He commands again "continue"

And I read ..
Trying my best to capture the austere and eloquence of the ideal journalist

"Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:"

SLAP !!!! SLAP !!!!!!!
These were the hardest
I sunk my nails into the greenheart of the table until they bled
Allowing the sweet seizure that pulsed through every vein to calm
Hoping that the pain rendered would vanish
But he made me want over and over again

He yanked my hair
With much anger
And whispered as he entered my glistening lotus flower with precision
He whispered ...." Do you want this "
Every vein in me now swollen ...moaning his name
I hadn't the strength to access my vocabulary
He pauses a second to await my return from the forest of my sighs of satisfaction
Whilst stroking the walls of my petals
He pulls out
Disconnecting the sweet life that rushed through me 180 mps( miles per second )

He Slaps again and commands
" Read ! "

This time I aimed to infuriate him

I read

"So long as. Um men can breathe or. Um eyes can see,um
So long lives this ! and this ! gives life to theeeeeeee ".

When I should have said
"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee."

I smiled within
Yearning the extremity
Yearning his version
His definition of discipline .....

Sigh of a bleeding heart ...

My heart belongs to you
Trembling like the tambourine of season
It changes when the tune of your stare
Moves away

My heart bleeds for you
whispers that scream your name
I Lull them to sleep with bed time stories of your return some day

But crying eyes know the truth
My heart belongs to you
She loves you
Despite the audience of wisdom cheer her on to make the right decision
I still crawl to you
I would die for you

For bleeding hands know the truth

Thy heart unquestionably belongs to you

Things I didn't get to say (unedited)

While I walk into the future
I still remember you
Embracing the thorns of truth
Allowing you space to live , breathe and feel your world tailored without me

Reason dictates you go west and I east
And yet again at the circumference of our paths
Our worlds meet
It is probably inevitable that I shall never have you completely
It is inevitable that you will always remain with me
It is inevitable that I will hurt when you're near
It is inevitable that I will hurt when your absence glares


We have spoken unspoken words in statements served in edited form
Having faith in the fortune we've foretold
 A truth that will never be told ...at least not now
We have shared a many blissful nights
We have shared a love that still remains and withstands the fight
 after all its a love that's true
A love that's pure

We commit the sin of caging this love
So innocent
A love that must be
We commit this sin for the sake of what has been and still is ...and possibly will remain ...
We commit this sin against the "right " for another "right"

I shall not forget you
There is an unnamed vein that streams from the centre of my heart to the core of my mind
it is today I name that vein ...."You"

Meditate if you will
And savour these words
Some may say that the fight I've endured
It should have taught me to still my tongue

But this unexplainable tug at my heart
This cloaked knot between us
With honesty I shall honour it

And say the things I didn't get to say ....in person

It wasn't the sensuality in your eyes that moved me
To an almost uncontrollable state of nervousness

It was the unexplainable fact that whispered
"I belong to you "

It wasn't your smile that made me blush

It was the splendour that came with knowing I'm the cause

It wasn't my fingers that fanned out the wonders of your hair against my melting skin
Or my nostrils permanently scented with your essence

It was that everyday your smell was different ...
I could tell when your scent gets excited , its smell was that of lavender and freshly grounded cocoa beans
When you missed me , you smelled of blended apples

It was the fact that every little detail changed when "you" were with me ..

It wasn't the indescribable tremours that stirred feverishly when we hugged

It was knowing that there is where I belonged
It was knowing that I found home ...

Talking to you hurts
And not talking is worse

being in your presence chews at my mental wires
Causing common sense and composure to flicker uncontrollably like the most important lamp post in my soul ...perched at the junction of showing my love and loving you but not showing it ...what awkward cross roads ....either route "I simply fall for you " - and that becomes the fatal accident ....
the only cure is to nurse my self on the happy moments I shared with you

It was knowing that I was ready and willing to propose to you ..

It was scary that I was willing to sacrifice my last pint of blood to protect you

It was scary that I was always naked ...
My fears
My love
My all was naked to you

It was frightening that you are my first true love
My first poem
The ozone layer of my heart
Your absence destroys by day
And memories strengthen by night

These are probably some of the things I didn't get to say in person
And the most hurtful part is that "I'm in love with you" still
You are the lotus flower of my sea
And I still dream of "adorn"ing you ..
"Body and soul "
With this love that belongs to you ...

Body & Soul

Do I trust this feeling so alien to me
So riveting , Complicated
Immersing me in an unknown intensity
The sunsets now call my smiles a home
They disappear in the horizon of my frowns that hold thoughts of your absence

Do I trust this feeling so alien to me
Tantalizing the spinal chord of my sensitivity
With thoughts of having you

Famine now infects my soul
I hunger for you
Thirst for you
Dry skin longs to be caressed and oiled by the rose petals of your lips

How do I satisfy the taste buds whose fury can only be quenched by your salt
No other wine just won't do

I see the winter of doubt skating across your mind
I see the spring of wanting me blooming on your skin
I see the seasons change ....when guilt steps in

How do I resist giving my all
How do I persuade nature to pause the caterpillar's metamorphosis , so that she won't fly to you
For your world isn't kind enough for the innocent spirit of the butterfly

How do I resist the irresistable
How do I caution my body , my soul
to ignore its right to want ..to need ..to give of itself
How do I plead with the spirit to sacrifice its heart so that its soul mate may love another soul

I stand here
Looking at the cup of wisdom brewed from my yesterday and the cup of sweet memories stirred by the pleasures of being vulnerable
Which do I drink
Both will still leave me stuck in a wonderland of him
What do I do when all of me wants to give in
How do I tell the children of my soul that from this well of love they cannot drink
How do I tell my children that this inherited gold cannot be claimed

I stand here wanting to give in
Hands of wisdom and lingering hurt Push unwaveringly against the static within the magnetic field .....a field that will inevitably pull my world to his


How do I ignore the signs of life
Memories blowing the poles of my compass in every direction he's in


I stand here
Wanting to run. Helplessly into your arms but
Do I trust this feeling so alien to me
Or will body and Soul finally yield to my mind's foolish persuasion

A moment in time

As we sit on this blanket of unspoken desires
Passions disguised with subtle , calm words
Shall we steal this moment in time
To taste the wine brewed by this love that will last a lifetime

As we sit not knowing where to steer this ship
As we sit yearning to unite lips
We sit so restlessly ....patiently
Yearning to submit to the calling of the subconscious

Shall we steal a moment in time
To stare
To touch
To kiss
Do we dare indulge in the waterfall of a bliss that is just and untamed ?
Shall we steal a moment in time
To see what hearts whispered whilst we were away

Shall we steal what's right
Shall we capture passions that are subjects of daylight
Shall we enslave the electricity to a moment
One single moment in time ...

Silent Waters

Silent waters speak with grace
They glide between the rays of right
Their essence sparkles against the sun's light
Some truth cannot be spoken
But if you allow your pores to listen..you'll hear the deafening sound of life in their words unspoken

Silent waters are often loud
It is the rise and fall in what the choose not to say
It is the magnificence in their rhythm
Their flow into currents of truth and passions sleeping


Silent waters are strong
Masking the devilish paddling of swans webbed feet
Masking the squabbles , chirps , and hisses of happiness that seek escape from the laws that shimmer on its waves

Silent waters are often sad
Meandering day by day
Kissing every corner of the shore
Remaining loyal
Fulfilling its duty
Because it must ....and to its heart it is unjust

But silent waters do not complain
They allow their screams to evaporate
And float into the thinness of conscious sight
As it falls again to the earth of your mind
You see blessings ....
You see love

While all along it's the silent water ..
Crying
Yearning
For its true love

Heaven On Earth

Laying in the grass of yesterday
Undressing eyes
Un zipping the emotions that lay beneath the pupils
Loyal students to the world above

Kissing the mist that rises with the scent of my memories
As the kaleidoscope of happy thoughts that were once in motion appear
And fade into a world far beyond my physical grasp

Longing to grasp a snow flake of heaven in the palm of my heart ...
So that its beauty may melt into my history for an eternity

Watching the world above
Mysterious
Beautiful
Heavenly
What can sinners do to reach at heavens door ?
 Do we sin Instead ... To reach the place we long to pledge our allegiance ?

While testing the purity of its innocence , love has been burnt .....exhausted ...

I Watch the clouds
I once sailed on
Now the only time I see them ...when they cry
For me to feel how much they've missed me
Only to return to the heavens again

Watching the heavens above
A heaven that was once a place on earth
But no paradise on earth lasts forever ....

Broken

How is it possible for you to read the maps of my thoughts
Written on the numbness that trembles
That lays cold on lips
That can only live again by true love's kiss

How is possible for you to hold so much of my life in your stare
Throwing my composure into corners you built chambers that hold my brokenness prisoner
Oh this pleasurable bondage


How is it possible for you to be the road
The bridge
The test
The wall that I must defeat in order to breathe and live again

You rose the spirit that once slept in the calmness of dumbness
To the ceiling of dishevelled horror

You rose my lungs' veins to the roof of my nostrils ...as they feared your absence
That taunted

Your stares rings my name like a church bell
Your presence stirs my blood to boiling point

I am a leaf tumbling in the violent winds of your dismissal
Pleading with your conscience
Appealing to the "us" that once lived a lifetime of love in every second

But for peace ....
I must sacrifice my essence for nothingness
My only truth for lies
To live this death .....as you live life ...

Today!

Today I Speak the truth

I no longer wish to hide beneath the shade of illusions

I no longer wish to let my words be crippled by fear


I no longer wish to hide under blankets of smiles and shiver

I no longer wish to taste fading memories

Today I speak the truth

I stayed under the shade of illusions
To hopefully find strength in the future that no longer needs a past
That past
Truth is ... I need that past to shade my steps into the future .. Even though I walk on my tears - burning stones
Their source is the head corner stone of my happiest moments
That past ...will always sit on the throne of my future ...or is that subject to change ..as my happiness was?

Today I speak the truth
My words were always crippled
A crying anger ...that stayed angry
It was scared
Too angry to search for peace
 for peace of mind still stayed with the source that was once the pillars of my mind ....

I let these children .. Creep
Not by day
But by night
So that their howls ....may be guised by the darkness ..
Oh what safety could be found in those velvet arms
But I ....
I crippled my speech
Until she was sure that she can watch the children of her passions in her past and walk ...walk away ....
Hiding her compassion
Hiding her love ...with much false pride despite her delay


Truth is ...I want to live my illusions
I want to wear my dreams
I want to sprinkle the salt of my fears on my meals
Arousing not weakness
But the savoury senses of my strength

Truth is .....I want the sunset
The sunrise
The moon
The sky
Truth is ... I simply want you ...
That unattainable splendour
That breath of life ...

Editing...

Emotions that toil without choreography

On the soil of ink

Ploughing the surface of hesitation

Penetrating the subsoil with the shovel of my tears until I hit the gems of scared honesty
That runs from editing

I hit these stones determined not flake them

So I place the shovel like tears from within on to welcoming satin cheeks

And I dig this soil with feeble child like hands

That are bold and scared

Longing to find the truth within in order to
Salvage the truth of why my poetry
Flees at the thought of my giving into editing

So I dig

Removing the top soil that soils my nails with further doubt

Removing the topsoil of fear that injects air bubbles into my gullet that are filled with the thought process of fearing what I'd find hidden

And here these gems of honesty are before me

And I hold you

Crystals , pearls , sapphires , Diamonds and rubies

All with their individual spec of history

And I began to speak to my honesty

And my honesty instead - spoke to me

She said
I know that it's your wish to
Polish me
Remove my dirt - my history
But realise that once you do this
You've already lied

Being forced to employ construction shift
There by shifting my very essence into an acceptable form of camouflage
I become this collage of part of my being and what can be digested - mullato

I become this piece of beauty cased and displayed in the museum for judgemental eyes
You've fashioned me for acceptance
Fashioned me to appeal to their " eutopia"
I am now that " white man's version " of the middle passage

 Extracting the spirit of my truth and paying her passage to return to the subsoil from whence she came
Cuz my truth is simply too black &
Speaks with a thick honest accent
Beware of how you shape me poet
Beware of how you tame me
and on that day I'll be tired
Sick and tired of the slave that still lives in the caves of your insecurities
Sick and tired of the slave in you that always gets away from the plantation of controlled thought just to sing those freedom songs hoping to find the road to perfection and eventually you're caught by editing
Sick and tired of the slave in you that can't see how perfect I am by simply being me ...
Oh but one day my slave poet
Do note that all this editing
Will all too soon lead you to search for me with edited eyes
Cuz at that stage the editing chip will be encrypted in your mind
And to my fleeing honesty you'll thinketh lies
And to my heart - the inspiration upon which thrive
Will throb a hollow silence

Wishing

Wishing upon lonely nights

 pain being spun into silky crystal threads of unbearable tunes

Moulding the clay of good byes into derelicts soon to be forgotten in time

Transplanting my once reasons for happiness from my smile to weeping soils

Unpacking questions
To be buried in the fire of " no answers"

Removing the placenta of love from this infant of loyalty

Removing the morning glories that sprouted in lonely nights

When will this beast be released from the spell of that rose
The rose that holds its youth
The youth of its happiness , love and life - captive

 wishing upon lonely nights

Losing peace of mind within the memories that patrol this sea of darkness

Wishing ....
Hoping that wishes aren't hopeless hopes

Hoping that somewhere unicorns do exist

Hoping that somewhere a magic carpet awaits
To whisk me onto a land where I can weep and heal

Hoping that somewhere there is an arm comforting enough to permanently remove this wool like pain that grows from me
Regardless of the amount of times it's shaved

Wishing ....
That Soon enough my chords of life break
And misery no longer plays the keys of the Fazioli that's perched so elegantly on the sunset of my eyelids