Yearning...

Many times I've knelt before you
Said the usual
And I HATE how monotonous I sound

- lord protect me from all harm and danger
-forgive me for I have sinned

I'm tired of this

I want to do the unthinkable
Today I question you
And I demand that you talk to me
I'm tired of waiting on answers

I'm tired of everyone saying god is always with you
He is your subconscious ...your conscience
Where exactly are you god ?
Answer me !
Cuz some things I just need to figure out


I would hate to think that you exist in my conscience just yesterday my conscience told me to fornicate and 3 weeks back it told me to help the unfortunate

Are you really with me ?
Cuz I know for certain that the devil visits constantly

Am I really this temple ?
Cuz the devil sits at the alter of my tears and laughs at me

Are you really in the heavens god ?
Cuz I had the best sex ever with the devil and to a paradise above the earth he took me
And I manoeuvered the moon and stars between my fingers

Is my conscience an empty cave ?
Where your voice and the devil's linger ?
Cuz in my cave , in my soul I hear the songs of the angelic choirs and the demonic entertainers
And I've made a habit of listening to both
Hence some days I'm bad and others I'm good

You need to intervene
Tell me where to go

 they say I can find the answers in your book
But science taught me that the word was written by man
And man's mind Is impressionable
And I wonder god why didn't you write this book ?
I wonder god , did these men write as they were told ?

Or did they write as they felt your word in the cave of their soul
And I wonder , was the devil there too ?
Was the devil talking to them as he does to me ?
Is this a fair comparison ?

How do I trust what I read ?
When many christians worship the same God yet they struggle to follow the right interpretation of your word that was written by a fellow man

I need answers god !

How do I trust the ones you appointed as authorities of your word , and these so called believers pass judgement on other followers and behind closed doors the dance with the devil ...
The many fathers far and wide that trouble little boys and girls - manifestations of the devil

And I wonder god , didn't you see this coming before you appointed them ?

So many versions of your truth seem to be true
Tell me which denomination should I follow
In which direction of this wonderland do I go !
Cuz last sunday I was at this church and later a brother shows up at my door with a watch tower
Saying " Do you know the truth about God's word ?"

Isn't this what the devil does ?
Throws the dice of perceptions on the table of your mind , numbers dictating the steps you must take
And you pray the wrong path you didn't take only to backslide further that the last time


Tell me god !
I need answers !
What goes on in your head when you see these back sliders ?
These people that claim they love you
Honour you
Yet they flirt , wine and dine with the devil
 Yet they preach to me - you can't serve two masters at once

What if I CAN'T tell the difference ?
And What if I can ? But I'm simply being human
Following the pattern to which I was born - imperfection

Tears no longer maul my cheeks
Instead I'm crying questions

I know not where I exist
My knowledge and material assets all fade
When the heart aches
And when it aches I call your name
Just like those who only remember you when in pain
And I wonder when this pain eases
Who really did answer my prayers
After all I do remember like 3 minutes ago I was thinking about fornicating
Mentally disobeying your commandment - naturally
So how do I now expect you to free me from that which I brought upon myself

The most broken relationship I have is with you
You are like that boyfriend I can never leave
My first true love
You didn't take my virginity on any level but rather
Protected it
You are the husband that cares about my soul , my heart unconditionally
My hips, breasts, ass or thighs are never your concern

You are the husband that forgives me regardless of how many times I cheat with the devil
And I still cheat ...
And you still wait for me ...
And I fear what will happen if I don't return to you
And I fear returning to you and yearning the devil still

I seek not an arranged marriage with you
Many come to me saying
" GOD is your best suitor "
But god u and I both know
That I cannot marry all of me to someone I hardly know
Hence I'm torn
So.....
Talk to me

I have become this vessel that feels nothing but the erotic wonders of all that is impure or so I thought..
Cuz in the distant sometimes I hear a pure voice
And I question ... Is it u ?
Or a mere illusion

I'm spiritually ill
And time is against us
Talk to me quickly !
Not through a book
Not through another human , or my conscience or subconscious cuz we both know those places aren't safe anymore

If you must ......
peel like thunder
And speak to me through an opening in the sky
As mufasa did to simba ...

Forgive me if I've stepped out of line
But I'm sure you knew I was going to write this

I need answers !
Talk to me !
I am a lamb lost among the wolves
My ignorance devours me
And into a wolf - slowly I turn

Talk to me god
Talk to me
Before this final part of me gets lost ......