Sick & Tired of The "L" Word

( Queen-sized bed Rumpled ...pillows soaked in tears , contorted body lays still on the floor , paper and pen inviting terrified hands )

My inner me rose
Only to watch the remains of physical
Paralyzed !

I cry ...
For solution eludes me
I cry
For death waits for me to give in
I cry
For I'm gashed by a toxic pain
In my loins
In my head
In my soul

I grab the quill and paper
But no ink in sight
And I cried again...
And the bowl is filled with my tears

I'm sick and tired of writing about u !
I dipped the quill in my tears
And wrote :
Trying my best to rid myself
To find release
But writing about u just makes u immortal in my world
And I'm sick and tired of it
Tired of the hurt
Tired of the stings
Tired of the cobra's bite ... These lethal injections of rejection in my aorta
Hoping that I'd write and forget
Hoping to find composure
Hoping that grief can be killed like mortal soldiers ... But they are persian sands
I slice through with my writing
And when the sand storm of memory arises
They march again
What kind of memory are u ?
Iv loved before
Hurt before
But never like this
I remember the days when I forgot hurt in 2mins ....
But its almost a month and this hurt fades and appears like a hulk ...
Crushing me
Slapping me
Whipping me
Dragging me through the mud of anger
Flings me onto the shores of the memories that iv been running from
I'm sick and tired of the "L" - word
Sick and tired - words seem to be owned by u and even the word hate feels like I'm writing about being in love with u ......still
I'm tired of the "L" - word"

I dip my pen into the tear-bowl that is continuously replenished as I wrote

And I continued
" I'm sick and tired
Sick of being stuck in this cycle
Cry - >temporary moments of feeling ok -> the beautiful feeling of the pain taking its exist ->hulk of pain returns to rape ->my sitting on the floor of my room , crying , writing to forget you .

When does it END !
Why can't I straighten this bend in my path to overcome
"L" - word , I Wish i could lend this pain.
Wish I could spend more time crying .
So that eyes can remain puffed for a long time ..
 For this is the end of the cycle ..
 And its beginning .set in motion ...I'm crying again

I'm sick of missing u
The "miss "- tastes like salt on a slice of sizzling metal darted at my soul with unpredictable throws

I'm sick of feeling like I'd still love in spite of it all
I hate it !
Who in their right bloody senses dines with their murderer ?

Am I addicted ? Obsessed with u ?
Pardon if these thoughts are all over the place
 I'm a. Puzzle and I'm missing some pieces
I'm broken
I'm sick
I'm tired
In this unfamiliar state
Thought process ...is also a track that's twisted
And my train of thought
Gets shifted .... "

I pull back , drop the quill
I began throwing up images of u
Used the edge of my arm to wipe the acid

I'm still filled with u
I'm literally ripping
Clawing
Biting
Tearing
The imprint u left on my pupils !
The smell of u in my blood !
The photographs of your skin that's tattooed under my nails
Your voice that's now the heart of my eardrums
Ugh !!!!! ur breath that still remains the sweetest memory documented on my taste buds
I am sick of it ! I'm living a nightmare of sweet nothings !

I'm sick and tired of this !
What's the use of a tormented soul
Why didn't u leave with ur memories

Left me to burn in the incinerator of thoughts that will never be
Left me to shiver in the cold ...alone
I'm sick and tired of this !
I'm sick and tired of the " L" - word ...

And alas I feel the second stage kicking in
" The temporary moments of feeling ok "